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“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” – Maya Angelou
At the beginning of the year, I asked you for the communication problems you face. One of my readers explained her biggest issue:
What drives me crazy? — Overly demanding and loud people (the ME, ME. ME group) who “muscle” and steam-roll over others with verbal, and sometimes even physical, intimidation.
I can certainly relate to this concern. I think all of us have coworkers, clients, friends, or family members who act this way.
Ask yourself if this demanding person is always like this. Or is this a one-time occurrence that may have been caused by a particular situation that caused the person to act out of character? I know I have had my own moments of being verbally intimidating, and have regretted it afterward (see my September 2007 issue.) If the outburst is out of character, give the person the benefit of the doubt. Know that all of us have our moments that usually have nothing to do with the people we are with, but more to do with our own feelings of vulnerability or fear.
You can’t change them.
If this aggressive attitude is a consistent behavior, I have some advice. The only person you can change is yourself. There is no way to change the “overly demanding and loud people.” But you can change the way you react to the intimidation.
If you find that you are unable to adjust to these people, find ways to avoid them. I have a quick solution if the person is a client or a friend. Drop them. I have eliminated people from my life and from my business if they have a tendency to yell or verbally abuse me. I don’t need mean friends or difficult clients.
I had a recent situation with a woman who works for one of my clients. She needed to check with me to make some changes to a project that the client and I had worked on. Instead of creating some sort of rapport first, she went into a demanding attitude – on my voice mail. I called back and asked questions, ignoring the rudeness. She had misinterpreted something my client had told her, and assumed that I had not done what was asked. I was firm in correcting the misunderstanding, but had to hold back my immediate reaction to be defensive and antagonistic myself. I calmly suggested that we get the client on the phone as well. She is still snippy with me, but I refuse to react to it. If her attitude continues, I will discuss the problem directly with the client, and if there is no change, I will suggest that the client go elsewhere for service.
Family and coworkers are more difficult.
If the person is a coworker or a family member, the solution is a bit more difficult. Continue to remind yourself that the person’s behavior is probably not directed at you personally. As with the passive-aggressive types we discussed in April, the people who find it necessary to be pushy usually have issues they are dealing with. You don’t need to be a psychologist to know that you are not responsible for other people’s personal issues.
Confront the behavior.
My favorite way of opening up the conversation is to call the person on his or her attitude, gently. “I can sense that you are upset. What can I do to alleviate your concern?” or “I may be able to resolve this problem if you can provide me with the details of what you think is wrong.”
You may also be able to accomplish some success by confronting the person when he or she is not being intimidating. Many counselors suggest that you describe the issue in terms of your own feelings, “When you talk to me the way you did yesterday at the meeting, I feel defensive.” I have not found that approach particularly helpful. I find ignoring the behavior or looking at the person as if he or she is acting like a fool much more effective. I also have been known to make eye contact with the person and say simply and very calmly, “I will not discuss this matter until you stop yelling.” Then I walk away. I do not allow additional discussion until the person has calmed down.
Visualize a positive outcome.
The other technique I have used successfully is to visualize an encounter with the person in detail. Then I control the visualization so that I see myself talking calmly to the person, and the person calming down and becoming more reasonable. I’m not sure why this works so well, but I imagine that it rehearses me enough, so that I do not react badly and exacerbate the situation.
The aggressive and abusive types anticipate that you will either fight back or roll over. Do neither. Calmly state your response and react to the comments, not the personal attack. Let the person know that the abusive behavior is not productive.
Remember that you always have control over your own reactions. And often, when you step away from the conflict, it immediately subsides.
If you have communication issues you would like me to address, post a comment here, use the contact page, or email me directly.
I’m more convinced that we were not designed to multitask, and that our relationships and lives (business and personal) suffer when we do not focus on the person in front of us or the job we need to do.
When you are dividing your attention, you don’t learn as well. A research team from the UCLA Psychology Department found that there are different parts of your brain that handle memory of information and memory of tasks. There are two different parts of the brain – one is normally affected when learning new tasks without multitasking. If you have to multitask, the part of the brain that you use changes. That part is not accustomed to remembering information. Can the brain adapt? Who knows? But in the interim, quality decreases.
According to research done at the University of Michigan by Dr. David Meyer, when you multitask, you don’t actually do two things at once. You shift your focus between two activities. You may think you can do this effectively, but research shows that if you are able, you are in a very small minority (although you are in the majority in thinking you can do it.)
There are two distinct processes that happen when you shift. One is a goal-shift – you decide you want to do activity B instead of activity A. The second is a rule-shift – you change your mindset so that you can do what needs to be done. It’s sort of like changing between software programs and remembering how things work.
For instance, I’m working on the computer and the TV is going in the background and the phone rings. I mute the TV. When I’m finished with the call, I want to turn the TV sound back on, and I find myself moving the computer mouse like I normally would to turn off the screen saver. It takes me a moment to remember to hit the mute button on the remote. Each of these shifts takes time. Goal-shifting takes a split second, but rule-shifting can take a half second which can be enough time for your car to crash as you switch from talking on the phone to handling whatever hazard is on the road.
We live in a society where we are becoming significantly disconnected from each other. We use ATMs and pump our own gas. Sometimes our only human contact is when we are at the drive-thru. And we’ve gotten so rude that the service person doesn’t know if we are talking to him or her or to someone on our cell phone. My friends have “caught” me checking my email while I’m talking to them on the phone. I don’t want my friends to ignore me. We owe the people who wait on us the courtesy of being there, being truly present when they serve us.
We need to pay attention to the people we meet, because that human connection is ultimately what life is all about. Try it. Try actually listening to the people you meet. Don’t think about what you want to say. Don’t think about what you’re going to do later today or this weekend. Listen to the people who talk to you.
You can’t avoid multitasking completely. But when you have a choice, choose not to do it. If you can, put your phone on voice mail when you are completing a task. Leave a message that explains that you will return the call at a particular time. Then return the calls.
Most importantly, try this at home. You may be surprised at the reaction you get. You might realize what your spouse or your child really needs – time with you.
Times are tough. Businesses find it more difficult to stay profitable and layoffs are common. Let’s face it. The economic situation provides employers with an opportunity to let go of people who do not have the skills needed to keep the company competitive. As an employee, you need to increase your abilities to be safe from layoffs. Increased competence will also provide more opportunities to be hired and promoted into jobs that pay well, even in these difficult economic times. The better your skills, the better the odds are that you will be able to ride through these economically difficult months.
One of the most important skills any employee can have is the ability to communicate clearly.
If you cannot write well, you reduce your chances of getting hired. According to a recent survey of businesses, 80% of companies in industries with the highest growth potential use writing skills as a measure for hiring. 86% of companies reject applicants who have poorly written application materials.*
Good writing skills are important after you get hired as well. Over 50% of these same companies assess writing when promoting employees.* You may not even realize how limited your chances at promotion are. If you find that you have been passed over for advancement, your grammar, spelling, and sentence structure skills may be holding you back. The ability to write is necessary in the vast majority of salaried jobs and many hourly positions as well.
In this same survey, business owners expressed how important writing skills are. *
“My view is that good writing is a sign of good thinking. Writing that is persuasive, logical, and orderly is impressive. Writing that’s not careful can be a signal of unclear thinking.”
“…writing appears to be a “marker” attribute of high-skill, high-wage, professional work. This is particularly true in sectors of the economy that are expanding, such as services, and the finance, insurance, and real estate sectors.”
” writing is also a “gatekeeper.” The equity dimensions of the writing challenge are substantial. People who cannot write in the United States can clearly find employment. The findings of this survey, however, indicate that opportunities for salaried employment are limited for employees unable to communicate clearly.”
Statistics and quotations from Writing: A Ticket to Work…Or a Ticket Out, a report of The National Commission on Writing © 2004 by College Entrance Examination Board. See www.writingcommission.org for the full report.
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