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”The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” –Peter F. Drucker
The last few months I have talked to you about communication. There is one area that we have not discussed. Nonverbal communication is probably one of the most important aspects of communication. We use it for a number of reasons – to add emphasis or clarity, to accompany, to contradict, or to substitute for the verbal message. The people who interact with us use the clues we transmit to interpret our meaning.
Nonverbal communication can include any information not in words that a speaker uses that might be interpreted by the listener. We normally think of facial expressions and gestures. But the parts of our communication that do not include words can entail so much more, including eye contact, volume, pitch, amount of personal space, posture, inflection, and even the sounds we make (such as uh, um, hmm, referred to as paralanguage.)
65% of the message is nonverbal
Some researchers report that around 65 percent of the meaning of a message is conveyed nonverbally. Others rank nonverbal closer to 93 percent. Even at the lower estimate, it is obvious that nonverbal communication is an integral part of our daily communication and without it, meaning can be lost.
I discovered this past weekend that nonverbal communication also serves an important task for memory. I attended my 40th high school reunion. I have a number of friends from those years who I am still close to, and I worked on the planning committee so I had been in contact with others over the last few months. But as the events started on Thursday, I was seeing some people I had not seen in over 40 years.
My task was to work on a PowerPoint presentation that ran continuously throughout the main event. The presentation was primarily a set of individual photos from our senior yearbook. We asked our classmates to send current photos in and I created a slide for each one that transitioned from the senior class photo to the current photo. I had seen what most of these nearly 60 year olds now looked like before I greeted them at the events.
There were a few, however, who had not sent their current photos in, and I found that the ensuing four decades had erased my memory and had created sufficient change in most people that I was unable to identify them. I noticed I wasn’t the only one. Throughout the events, you would hear people ask, “Who is that?”
Nonverbal is memorable
Once introduced, I could usually see the 18 year old I had known in the older face. But the real identifying information came from the nonverbal part of our interactions. The gestures, the tone of voice, the facial expressions, all played a key part in helping me remember my classmates.
One classmate has always had a very dry sense of humor. The deadpan inflection in his voice instantly reminded me of sitting in front of him in English class. One woman has the most piercing blue eyes and she stares intently when she is listening. She has not lost that ability to make people feel that she is paying total attention to what they have to say. Another always had a smile for everyone he met. That smile is still there. Another has always had wonderful posture. In spite of the years, she would still be a model for my mother’s warning to stand up straight. It was a remarkable experience to revisit these old friends, but without the nonverbal cues, I’m afraid I would not have recognized many of my classmates.
Apparently, the nonverbal part of our message implants in our memories as much as a first kiss, a winning basketball game, or a particularly difficult teacher. I’m particularly glad I have these memories, and thankful to my classmates for the examples.
If these memories last 40 years, imagine how much nonverbal communication affects the people you interact with on a daily basis. Doesn’t it make sense to make sure your unspoken messages are coming across clearly and produce positive memories?
Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention. – Jim Rohn
I visited my son, daughter-in-law, and grandson during August. The trip to Carterville, Illinois, where they live, takes me approximately 16 hours each way, so I spend a good portion of four days on the road. I like road trips. The time away from the computer eases the neck and shoulder pain, and I am able to clear my head. The drive also provides some interesting revelations about communication, especially between strangers.
When I am on the road alone for eight solid hours, I tend to require some sort of human interaction. I cannot tell you how many times I stop to get gas, a beverage, or a meal, and can hardly tell that I exist. Customer service, as we all recognize, has decreased substantially over the last few years. Even in small towns that used to be famous for friendly people, the folks behind the counters seem now to be angry or depressed, barely making eye contact unless I ask how they are doing or do something else to bring them out of their shells.
When I am approached by someone who does not fit the mold of an automaton, I am delighted, probably more than the situation would indicate. The occasion is so rare, though, that I have no choice but to be encouraged and energized by the interaction. And trust me, after being on highways in Illinois, Missouri, Arkansas, and Texas, I need to be energized.
One such situation happened to me in Missouri. I had been on the road about two hours and pulled over for breakfast at a McDonald’s. The place was busy and crowded, and a woman behind the counter was apologizing for the delay to a customer. She turned to me and said, “I’ll be right with you.” She finished serving the waiting customer, putting an extra small order of fries into his bag. “That’s to thank you for your patience.”
She took my order and while I was waiting near the counter, an elderly woman came up and put her arm around my shoulder. She pointed to the server and said, “That woman right there is the best server in the area. She always has a smile and always cares about her customers.”
“I can see that,” I responded, smiling at the server. I explained that I had just left my grandson and so appreciated friendly faces. The server beamed.
When my food came out, she added a Spiderman figure (from one of the Happy Meals) to my bag, saying, “That’s for your grandson.”
That very short interaction kept me smiling and alert for a long time as I made my way down IH 55.
Sometimes we can make such a difference in people’s lives with a tiny amount of effort. This woman went above and beyond, but even a smile and a friendly greeting that sounds genuine can make a person’s day brighter. Paying attention is the springboard to all effective communication, and is indeed a gift we can offer to everyone we meet.
Are you paying attention to the people you meet?
If you are a small business owner, you know how difficult it is to get publicity in order to let your potential customers know you are available. One of the ways you can jump-start your marketing efforts is to brand yourself as an expert in your field. Help people discover that you are the one to come to when they need your type of service. Here are some suggestions to show off your abilities in your particular area of expertise:
Teach a class. Offer your topics to the community education department at your local school district. These classes usually don’t pay much to the instructor, but the exposure may be perfect for your business. The trick here is to offer some real help or information, not just market your business. One coffee shop owner offered a class on the different types of coffee drinks, providing participants with samples of espressos, lattés, Café Americanos, etc. A website design company can offer a class on search engine optimization. Find something your company does well and teach people the basics. They will come to you for the more difficult tasks.
Donate your services. No matter what your area of expertise, there is a non-profit that can benefit from your help. Provide your service free of charge in return for using the non-profit as a reference.
Provide a sample. Samples give prospective customers an idea of the quality of your work and help them see how they can benefit from your services. One desktop publisher received a newsletter from a real estate agent. She created a mock-up of a redesigned newsletter and showed it to the agent. He loved the first page, but when he turned it over the flip side was blank. She explained, with a grin, “If you want the rest, you’ll have to pay for it.” As a result, the agent became a long-term customer. Give potential clients samples of your work and let them know how to obtain more of your products or services.
Do a newsletter. Include short articles related to your area of expertise and send the newsletter out to your email or postal mailing list. If you need help writing or don’t know how to put a newsletter together, contract with a writer, desktop publisher or communication coach. Send it out once a month or once every other month. The focus needs to be on helpful information, not on selling, although highlighting current sales can be a portion of the content.
Write articles or start a blog. If you don’t want to commit to a regular newsletter, pitch your article ideas to a local newspaper or webzine. Associated Content is a great place to start. You might also want to start a blog. Again, the focus needs to be on information that is helpful to the reader, not sales copy. If you don’t have time or don’t feel comfortable writing, hire a communication coach or writer to do it for you.
Consider the time and money you spend on these activities part of your advertising budget. You’ll find they pay off in ways you never anticipated.
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