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“At a time when our discourse has become so sharply polarized, at a time when we are far too eager to lay the blame for all that ails the world at the feet of those who happen to think differently than we do, it is important for us to pause a moment and make sure we are talking to each other in a way that heals, not in a way that wounds.” – Barack Obama
Last month, I listed some communication resolutions for 2011. Apparently I don’t have a widespread enough audience yet to reach the entire country. I have listened to friends, acquaintances, newscasters, and pundits explain what happened in Tucson and what the root causes of the problem are. I agree with the President who said that a lack of civility did not cause this tragedy.
The issue of our country’s discourse is a two-pronged one. There is a legal standard. Free speech is guaranteed in the First Amendment to the Constitution. That means that you have the right to say anything you want. However, throughout history our courts have limited that right. You do not have the right to incite violence. Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., wrote: “The most stringent protection of free speech would not protect a man falsely shouting fire in a theater and causing a panic.”
I am not a fan of Sarah Palin, and I find her response to her perceived attack over this tragedy self-centered and disappointing at best. However, I will defend to my death her right to place gun-site type targets over a map of Congressional districts. I will even defend her right to say things like “Don’t retreat. Reload!”
We now have people who believe that the country is on fire and they need to scream to make sure we all feel the same fear. I get it. There are those who believe that the country is sliding into socialism or fascism. They are tired of being politically correct. They are genuinely afraid of what will happen if the health care bill continues to be enacted. I defend their legal right to be as strident and loud and discourteous as they want.
I do wish, however, they would consider the practical aspect to all this rhetoric. Consider the scenario in the Holmes quote. If you are in a theater that truly is on fire, do you want someone yelling “Fire”? Or would you prefer someone who calmly explains that there is a danger and that you should quickly proceed to the nearest exit?
The second prong is a decency standard. So much has been said these last few days about the tone in this country. Yes, we all have the legal right to be offensive. However, just because we have the right to be rude doesn’t mean we should be.
When I hear people say they are “tired of being politically correct,” what I hear is that those people are tired of being polite and do not care if they offend. What is wrong with being more inclusive? Why can’t we use the filters we have been given?
We need to find ways to put across our thoughts and ideas, even those that are passionately held, without insulting others. Engaging our brains before we open our mouths is still sound advice.
So I will repeat my final resolution from last month: resolve to be kinder. As President Obama said in Tucson, “We may not be able to stop all evil in the world, but I know that how we treat one another is entirely up to us.”
Communication is a skill that you can learn. It’s like riding a bicycle or typing. If you’re willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life. – Brian Tracy
I guess everyone who has a newsletter, blog, or newspaper column tends to write the type of article in January that I’m about to inflict on you today. It’s the dreaded resolution column. (grin) So here it is. Here are five communication resolutions I would like you to consider as you make your plans for improvement in 2011.
First, resolve to read. Find a good book and enjoy the story. Read the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. Read blogs and newsletters, but be sure to balance with edited work. Reading good writing will help your writing skills.
Second, resolve to proofread. Read your written communication aloud before sending it into the world. I don’t expect text messages to be grammatically correct (yes, even this grammar maven has given up on text messages), but make sure you include all the words necessary to convey the intent. Leaving a word out can change the meaning completely, creating either confusion or damage on the other end.
Third, resolve to use resources that help with common writing problems. One of my favorites is the Online Writing Lab at Purdue University. This site provides help with writing, from detailed grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure issues to writing related to a job search. If you need more detailed help, including one-on-one coaching, please contact me.
Fourth, resolve to correct your common errors. If you unsure how to use its and it’s, ensure and insure, affect and effect, list these words on a pad near your computer with their meanings. See Spelling: Common Words that Sound Alike. If you can’t figure out when to use good or well or bad or badly, you may want to print out Avoiding Common Errors.
Fifth, resolve to be kinder. Remember that while you may disagree with someone, you can nearly always find areas of common interest. You never truly know what someone else is dealing with or what causes them to view the world so differently from you. Try to pause before you respond to what someone has said, especially if he or she irritates you. Find a way to phrase what you say so that it does not insult the other person. That does not mean that you have to agree with them, but understand that a phrase such as “That’s not the way I see it” is much better than “You need to consider…” We need to find a way to heal the divisions between us. Being kind in our communication is a good first step.
Happy New Year! May your communication bring you closer to your customers, clients, coworkers, friends, and family!
A friend of mine called today on her way home from the grocery store. She was headed to put up her purchases when she realized that the checker had not charged her for most of her items. She had a dozen items, but the checker only charged her for six. She asked me “What should I do?”
My first response was “Do you want me to channel my mother?” She said, “I know. My mother, too. She once went back to a store to return a penny.”
I remember being with my mother when she returned some change. I also remember being with my mother when she was given $10 extra in change (a huge sum in the 1960s). With my friend’s mother and mine, the size of the error did not matter. If someone’s cash drawer was going to be short, it was worth it to make the trip back to the store and correct the mistake.
I warned my friend that the cashier might not be happy to see her, since my friend would be pointing out the cashier’s mistake. I know that when I have returned money that I mistakenly received, occasionally the recipient has looked at me as if I had grown a second head. There have been occasions when I have not heard a thank you.
But I don’t return the money because I expect gratitude. I do it because if the roles were reversed, I would hope someone would return to help me. I don’t know if the checkout clerk at my local grocery store will be expected to make up the money or not, but I know if I were in his or her shoes, it would drive me crazy wondering what happened.
In my friend’s case, the inventory would be short, so there would not be any way to track down who made the mistake. But we both knew the correct route to take. A return trip to the store was required.
My friend called a little later to let me know what happened. When she returned to the store, the clerk was grateful and confused, unsure how she could have made that mistake. My friend was in and out quickly, but it took enough time that she did not have the chance to go home before her next appointment. As she left the store, she saw a fire engine and an ambulance headed back in the direction of her house. When she did manage to get back home, she saw a wrecked car on the street leading to her place.
Would my friend have been in the middle of this wreck if she had headed home and not returned to the store? Who knows? The important thing is that she did what was right. The choices we make have repercussions, whether in avoiding an accident or simply in being an example to others. For my friend and me, we’ll continue to follow the examples our mothers set for us.
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