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“We can’t overcome anger and hatred by simply suppressing them. We need to actively cultivate their antidotes – patience and tolerance.” – His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama
Last month, I provided some ideas for dealing with demanding people. This month, I want to talk about how to get along with people you simply do not like.
We all have them – family members who irritate you, old friends who rub you the wrong way, coworkers who get on your last nerve, even people you have just met who you instinctively distrust. Avoiding the person works only when you can go your separate ways, but in many cases, you will find yourself confronting these people over and over again.
What can you do? Here’s my prescription. Think about that person. What do you know about him or her? Find something that the two of you have in common. It may be allegiance to a particular sports team. Maybe both of you are grandparents or parents of teenagers. There is camaraderie in the joy of grandchildren and the pain of having teenagers. We all have commonalities, no matter how small.
I once worked with a man for whom I had very little respect. His world view was very different from mine. He distrusted the employees he supervised and had a particularly autocratic style. However, after working with him for a number of years and during a time when my son was gravely ill, I discovered that he was dedicated to his family and supportive of any employee who had a family member in the hospital. I would not have guessed that he was capable of that level of empathy, but found that I could focus on that quality any time I had to work with him.
When you come in contact with the person, think about that common interest. Say a prayer or meditate on the connection that the two of you have. As I suggested last month with the demanding types, visualize the two of you being able to work or coexist peacefully without rancor or irritation. Imagine what that lack of animosity would look and feel like. Hold onto that image of harmony between the two of you as you interact with the person.
I won’t tell you that this process is easy. It takes a concerted effort to redirect your inclination to dislike someone, but over time, you may find more to like about him or her. More importantly, changing the way you react to these challenging people will benefit you and reduce your stress. Try it and let me know what happens.
“When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two-thirds of the time thinking what they want to hear and one-third thinking about what I want to say.” – Abraham Lincoln
One of the biggest communications problems is the lack of complete information. This results in a slew of additional back-and-forth emails, voice and text messages until the full information is received and acknowledged.
How much time do you spend having to get additional information when someone has sent you an email or left a message on your voice mail? Wouldn’t it save time if the pertinent information was included in the original message?
The easy way to make sure you are communicating complete information is to ask yourself a few questions:
Who? Who is the intended recipient? If it is written, who else might end up reading it? Who else needs this information?
What? What is the reason for the message? If it’s an email, make sure the subject reflects the content. If you are leaving a voice mail, leave enough information so that the recipient can respond.
Where? When? If you are sending information about an event, be sure to include the location and the day and time. If you are requesting information, be sure to specify when you need it. “As soon as possible,” “quickly,” “immediately,” and “in the next few days” mean different things to different people. Be specific.
Why? Explain your need for the particular information so that the recipient has some context.
How? How do you want the information delivered? Do you want a phone call? Or is postal mail appropriate? How do you want a task completed? Have you provided enough specific information that the recipient will understand exactly what you are asking? How will this message be received? Have you been diplomatic? Have you been too diplomatic?
You won’t need to answer all the questions every time you send a message, but it’s a good practice to simply read through your message and run through these questions. It’s a first step toward becoming an effective communicator. The truly gifted communicators follow Lincoln’s ratio.
If you are a small business owner, you know how difficult it is to get publicity in order to let your potential customers know you are available. One of the ways you can jump-start your marketing efforts is to brand yourself as an expert in your field. Help people discover that you are the one to come to when they need your type of service. Here are some suggestions to show off your abilities in your particular area of expertise:
Teach a class. Offer your topics to the community education department at your local school district. These classes usually don’t pay much to the instructor, but the exposure may be perfect for your business. The trick here is to offer some real help or information, not just market your business. One coffee shop owner offered a class on the different types of coffee drinks, providing participants with samples of espressos, lattés, Café Americanos, etc. A website design company can offer a class on search engine optimization. Find something your company does well and teach people the basics. They will come to you for the more difficult tasks.
Donate your services. No matter what your area of expertise, there is a non-profit that can benefit from your help. Provide your service free of charge in return for using the non-profit as a reference.
Provide a sample. Samples give prospective customers an idea of the quality of your work and help them see how they can benefit from your services. One desktop publisher received a newsletter from a real estate agent. She created a mock-up of a redesigned newsletter and showed it to the agent. He loved the first page, but when he turned it over the flip side was blank. She explained, with a grin, “If you want the rest, you’ll have to pay for it.” As a result, the agent became a long-term customer. Give potential clients samples of your work and let them know how to obtain more of your products or services.
Do a newsletter. Include short articles related to your area of expertise and send the newsletter out to your email or postal mailing list. If you need help writing or don’t know how to put a newsletter together, contract with a writer, desktop publisher or communication coach. Send it out once a month or once every other month. The focus needs to be on helpful information, not on selling, although highlighting current sales can be a portion of the content.
Write articles or start a blog. If you don’t want to commit to a regular newsletter, pitch your article ideas to a local newspaper or webzine. Associated Content is a great place to start. You might also want to start a blog. Again, the focus needs to be on information that is helpful to the reader, not sales copy. If you don’t have time or don’t feel comfortable writing, hire a communication coach or writer to do it for you.
Consider the time and money you spend on these activities part of your advertising budget. You’ll find they pay off in ways you never anticipated.
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