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“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.”- Sue Patton Thoele
Over the past ten months, I have written about all sorts of problems and issues in communication. This month’s topic is the most important communication skill anyone can develop – listening. In fact, I found so many quotations about listening, it was hard to choose, so I’m going to use a few.
“Everything has been said before, but since nobody listens we have to keep going back and beginning all over again.” – Andre Gide
We are a population of non-listeners. Even those who are moderately skilled at listening have to work at it. How often have you “listened” to someone while planning what your response will be? How often has your mind strayed? How often have you paid more attention to your surroundings than to the person in front of you?
Here is an exercise to increase your listening skills. The next time your spouse, child, friend or coworker starts talking, resist the temptation to interrupt. Respond with an appropriate nod or shake of your head, or murmur “Hmm” or “Oh.” Let the person complete his or her thoughts. When he or she takes a breath, look thoughtful and count to ten before responding to make sure the person is finished. If the person does not speak again in those ten seconds, carry on the conversation as usual. If the person starts to talk again, stay quiet. In the next pause, count to ten again. I know this will feel awkward at first, but try it. If the person you are talking to notices a difference, tell him or her that you are improving your listening skills.
“If you spend more time asking appropriate questions rather than giving answers or opinions, your listening skills will increase” – Brian Koslow
Listening well is a skill that can be learned. Like any other skill, improvement takes practice. Learning to ask questions that help you to understand what the speaker means will improve your listening skills, but will also help create rapport with the speaker. Your questions let the speaker know that you value what he or she has said, that you seek to understand his or her point. In doing the above “counting to ten” exercise, when the person has stopped talking, ask some clarifying questions. These questions might start with phrases like
- “It appears as if…”
- “You feel…”
- “It seems like…”
- “As I understand it, you sound…”
- “If I hear you correctly, you’d like…”
“To listen well, is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation” – Chinese Proverbs
Creating that rapport and letting the speaker know that you are paying attention is the first step toward true communication. It is also a first step toward agreement. If you can truly understand what the other person is thinking, you may have a chance to give him or her insight into your viewpoint.
When we live in such a divided country, it is critical that we understand what others are saying. On this post-election day, I’ll leave you with this one.
“A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with.” – Kenneth A. Wells
Try these exercises at your Thanksgiving Day table. It might make the whole day more enjoyable. Happy Thanksgiving!
Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention. – Jim Rohn
I visited my son, daughter-in-law, and grandson during August. The trip to Carterville, Illinois, where they live, takes me approximately 16 hours each way, so I spend a good portion of four days on the road. I like road trips. The time away from the computer eases the neck and shoulder pain, and I am able to clear my head. The drive also provides some interesting revelations about communication, especially between strangers.
When I am on the road alone for eight solid hours, I tend to require some sort of human interaction. I cannot tell you how many times I stop to get gas, a beverage, or a meal, and can hardly tell that I exist. Customer service, as we all recognize, has decreased substantially over the last few years. Even in small towns that used to be famous for friendly people, the folks behind the counters seem now to be angry or depressed, barely making eye contact unless I ask how they are doing or do something else to bring them out of their shells.
When I am approached by someone who does not fit the mold of an automaton, I am delighted, probably more than the situation would indicate. The occasion is so rare, though, that I have no choice but to be encouraged and energized by the interaction. And trust me, after being on highways in Illinois, Missouri, Arkansas, and Texas, I need to be energized.
One such situation happened to me in Missouri. I had been on the road about two hours and pulled over for breakfast at a McDonald’s. The place was busy and crowded, and a woman behind the counter was apologizing for the delay to a customer. She turned to me and said, “I’ll be right with you.” She finished serving the waiting customer, putting an extra small order of fries into his bag. “That’s to thank you for your patience.”
She took my order and while I was waiting near the counter, an elderly woman came up and put her arm around my shoulder. She pointed to the server and said, “That woman right there is the best server in the area. She always has a smile and always cares about her customers.”
“I can see that,” I responded, smiling at the server. I explained that I had just left my grandson and so appreciated friendly faces. The server beamed.
When my food came out, she added a Spiderman figure (from one of the Happy Meals) to my bag, saying, “That’s for your grandson.”
That very short interaction kept me smiling and alert for a long time as I made my way down IH 55.
Sometimes we can make such a difference in people’s lives with a tiny amount of effort. This woman went above and beyond, but even a smile and a friendly greeting that sounds genuine can make a person’s day brighter. Paying attention is the springboard to all effective communication, and is indeed a gift we can offer to everyone we meet.
Are you paying attention to the people you meet?
If you are a small business owner, you know how difficult it is to get publicity in order to let your potential customers know you are available. One of the ways you can jump-start your marketing efforts is to brand yourself as an expert in your field. Help people discover that you are the one to come to when they need your type of service. Here are some suggestions to show off your abilities in your particular area of expertise:
Teach a class. Offer your topics to the community education department at your local school district. These classes usually don’t pay much to the instructor, but the exposure may be perfect for your business. The trick here is to offer some real help or information, not just market your business. One coffee shop owner offered a class on the different types of coffee drinks, providing participants with samples of espressos, lattés, Café Americanos, etc. A website design company can offer a class on search engine optimization. Find something your company does well and teach people the basics. They will come to you for the more difficult tasks.
Donate your services. No matter what your area of expertise, there is a non-profit that can benefit from your help. Provide your service free of charge in return for using the non-profit as a reference.
Provide a sample. Samples give prospective customers an idea of the quality of your work and help them see how they can benefit from your services. One desktop publisher received a newsletter from a real estate agent. She created a mock-up of a redesigned newsletter and showed it to the agent. He loved the first page, but when he turned it over the flip side was blank. She explained, with a grin, “If you want the rest, you’ll have to pay for it.” As a result, the agent became a long-term customer. Give potential clients samples of your work and let them know how to obtain more of your products or services.
Do a newsletter. Include short articles related to your area of expertise and send the newsletter out to your email or postal mailing list. If you need help writing or don’t know how to put a newsletter together, contract with a writer, desktop publisher or communication coach. Send it out once a month or once every other month. The focus needs to be on helpful information, not on selling, although highlighting current sales can be a portion of the content.
Write articles or start a blog. If you don’t want to commit to a regular newsletter, pitch your article ideas to a local newspaper or webzine. Associated Content is a great place to start. You might also want to start a blog. Again, the focus needs to be on information that is helpful to the reader, not sales copy. If you don’t have time or don’t feel comfortable writing, hire a communication coach or writer to do it for you.
Consider the time and money you spend on these activities part of your advertising budget. You’ll find they pay off in ways you never anticipated.
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